


The House on Rowan Lane

by RhododendronWilliams



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Columbo - Freeform, Gen, M/M, POV Cecil (Welcome to Night Vale), Radio, Scientist Carlos (Welcome to Night Vale), Time Loop, Typical Night Vale Weirdness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-22
Updated: 2013-09-22
Packaged: 2017-12-27 07:52:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/976303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RhododendronWilliams/pseuds/RhododendronWilliams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The house on Rowan Lane - you know, the one stuck in time in May 1, 1989 - is evoking lively debate. Will/can it be destroyed? Written like an episode of Welcome to Night Vale.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The House on Rowan Lane

Where does the void end?  
Where does the void begin?  
Does the void really exist?  
Does anything really exist?  
Is the void the only thing that has ever existed  
and will ever exist?

We cannot know. 

Welcome. To Night Vale.

There has been lively debate this week on the topic of the house on Rowan Lane - you know, the one that is permanently stuck in a time loop of 15 minutes on the night of May 1, 1989. A petition to "make the house go away by any means necessary" has been handed to the City Council today, with a whopping 300 signatures. Bert Macklemore, head of the Neighborhood Watch And Mutual Help Coalition of the Wider Rowan, Oak and Arbutus Lanes Area, gave the following statement: "I think we can all agree the house is an eyesore. It has been painted numerous times but it keeps reverting to the ugly tan; their untended lawn is a disgrace, and the rusty 1975 Datsun is downright revolting. Mustard-colored cars, what were we thinking back then? Besides, nobody even likes Mr. and Mrs. Kershaw. We were all relieved that their fighting stopped, and that they're frozen in a moment where they're calmly watching Columbo."

The petition has only three fierce opponents: Elise Miller, the daughter of the couple living in the house; Old Woman Josie who says her angels are warning that "horrible, unspeakable things will happen" if the house is destroyed; and my sweet brilliant Carlos, who wants to investigate the case, and if possible, find a scientific explanation for the time loop. "I probably won't find one," said Carlos in his oaky baritone, "but I can at least try." On the night the time loop began, 15-year-old Elise had run away from home, but her parents were yet to notice, as they were focusing on the Columbo episode "Grand Deceptions". She has since returned to her parents several times, trying to bring their attention to the time loop, but her father will shout at her to "keep your piehole shut, we're trying to watch TV here". Now that 24 years have passed, the Kershaws no longer recognize their 39-year-old daughter. They even called the police one time, reporting a "fat middle-aged woman who broke in and won't stop yapping during Columbo". Strangely, the phonecall connected to the office of the Sheriff's Secret Police in our time. Mrs. Miller has since called her parents on the phone several times, as they still recognize her voice. "This is my only link to my parents, even if they always tell me to call back later because Columbo is on" says Mrs. Miller, who spent 15 years backpacking in Franchia, Svitz and Luftnarp before settling down in Night Vale and marrying insurance agent and three-time bowling champion Scott Miller. I think we all remember the fateful night in 2009 when she tried to introduce her small children to her parents, which resulted in her father having a heart attack and dying. However, Mr. Kershaw was fine as soon as the time loop reset, and was once again seen watching TV and saying, "That Columbo is one sharp son of a gun", to which her wife, as always, responded, "I love this show."

Listeners, Intern Heather is informing me that we've received an email from... [deep sigh]... Steve Carlsberg. Do I have to read this? It's bound to be another ridiculous.. Ah, the Station Management began to pulsate with a yellow light, so I guess I must. _Steve_ writes, [mocking voice] "I think the house on Rowan Lane was suspended in time by the Sheriff's Secret Police, because they were cheating on their taxes. A blue helicopter was seen hovering over the house on May 1, 1989, and the ticket sales the Sheriff's Secret Police are gathering from visitors to the house are unreasonably high. We should remember that this could happen to any of us.." Now look here, _Steve_ , I've told you this before, if you don't like it here, move to Desert Bluffs! Obviously you have some kind of problem with efficient government doing their job. The Kershaws were terrible people, just ask their daughter. We pay taxes to ensure public services such as schools, hospitals, or the Re-education Center. It takes years of training to become a member of the Sheriff's Secret Police, and while we are not given any details on such training, the candidates come back from it altered beyond recognition, with righteousness in their hearts and their previous memories and personalities erased. Some things are not for us to know.

And now a word from our sponsor. "You stand at the bottom of a staircase. To your right is the escalator. You cannot decide which to take. The escalator is faster, but the staircase would give you much needed exercise. As you stand there frozen, unable to decide, you suddenly realize you are mounting the stairs and standing on the escalator, all at the same time. From the escalator, you can see yourself walking up the stairs. From the stairs, you can see yourself riding on the escalator. Your eyes are round and scared, your heart is pounding. Two hearts, both pounding. As the escalator is faster, you spend the rest of your shopping trip tailing yourself, trying to reunite the two bodies. But once you finally catch up, you just walk straight through yourself, and now the other self is tailing  _you_. Will you ever catch up?" This message was brought to you by the Night Vale Mall. 

The Sheriff's Secret Police reminds you that if you visit the house on Rowan Lane, you must leave within 15 minutes and 2 seconds, which is the exact duration of the time loop. If you stay beyond that time, you will vanish from our timeline and be stuck in the time loop yourself. As we all know, this happened to Ryan Weeds, who was punched in the face by Mr. Kershaw when he blocked the view of the television. Ryan can now be seen lying unconscious in front of the TV, with the Kershaws paying no attention to him. His husband Drew was banned from visiting the house, because he tried to pick a fight with Mr. Kershaw one too many times and almost got sucked in the time loop himself. Also stuck in the house are several cats, who were left in the house by various owners who did not want them. While the behavior of Mr. and Mrs. Kershaw never changes, the cats have been reported to react differently to the visitors, change their trajectories, and purr loudly when petted. Some of the previous owners of the cats have regretted their decision and now visit their cats in the house. They are, however, charged the same sum as everyone else - 20 bucks per visit. 

Dear listeners, this just in: The Hooded Figures have gathered around the house on Rowan Lane, and are chanting in a quiet but vaguely menacing voice. Agents from the vague but menacing government agency are also in attendance. The Sheriff's Secret Police is circling overhead, and everyone on the Greater Rowan, Oak, and Arbutus Lanes Area is adviced to stay indoors, bar all doors and windows, and move any gold or silver items into a safe or a fireproof box. Mr. Kershaw was seen peering from his window and yelling: "Whaddya want from us? We're just ordinary citizens trying to watch Columbo! This isn't the Soviet Union!" 

Now a few words on traffic. 

I wish I had a horse, I'd ride it through town, its mane glistening in the wind.

I wish I was a horse, galloping through town with my mane glistening in the wind, bringing hope to those who still lurk in shadows and bide their time.

I wish I was a horse riding another, inferior horse, in a strange apocalyptic world where horses have enslaved humans. 

I wish I was a horse riding a human slave. 

This has been traffic.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have just received word that the house on Rowan Lane has disappeared, and in its place there is a saloon apparently built by the first Night Vale settlers. An infernal humming can be heard from the saloon, and the pitch of the sound has broken all windows and glass items in the Greater Rowan, Oak, and Arbutus Lanes Area. The helicopter of the Sheriff's Secret Police that was hovering overhead is gone, and in its place there is a fat vulture, flying in a circle over the house while staring at passers-by ominously. People living in the area are asked to still wait indoors, bar the broken windows with cardboard, and to not use their blood stones until further notice. 

And now, ladies and gentlemen - [the weather](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aUz3fLncTTs). (Underwater Love by Smoke City)

Oh dear. Apparently there was someone inside the house when it disappeared. What if it was Carlos?! What if my sweet, perfect, brilliant Carlos was lost in a time loop.. Oh, hold on. [loud sighs of relief] Listeners, my Carlos is fine! He is texting me "All well, was in lab, call later, must conduct exp." Hold on, I'll reply.. "OMG relief, lysm, ttyl, xxxxx C." He has responded: "x(8)". Awww! That 8 means infinity, listeners. He sends me  _infinite_ kisses. OK, back to the news. 

This just in: The Sheriff's Secret Police have announced that the person in the house during its disappearance was none other than Elise Miller, the daughter of the household. She was seen entering the house despite all warnings, saying, "I must rescue my childhood diaries." A woman who looked just like Mrs. Miller was later seen exiting the saloon, carrying a box with the text "DIARIES" on the side, and dressed in the outfit of a cancan dancer, complete with feathers on her head. Mrs. Miller seemed bewildered as she stepped out on the street, asked where and when she was and then vanished into thin air, leaving behind a puff of smoke that smelled faintly of old whiskey. Scott Miller, the widower, was not reached for comment. He is presumed to be cheating on his wife in the Corporate Flower Hotel in Desert Bluffs. It  _is_ Wednesday, after all. Mrs. Miller's lover Bradley Fox was quoted as saying, "Elise was a wonderful person, but the desperate fate of her parents was a constant burden. She tried to introduce me as her husband one time, but her father simply punched me in the face and sent her to her room."Added Mr. Fox, "I climbed in through her window and we made out."  

I would like to offer my most sincere condolences to Mr. Miller, Mr. Fox, and the children, Brady and Kellen, who were receiving education at the Government Daycare Center at the time of the incident. Mrs. Miller may be gone, but she is not forgotten; we will all remember her gentle nature, her pineapple turnover cake, and her continued love and care for the parents who were stuck in time, and never were particularly good parents to begin with. 

Dear listeners, the Sheriff's Secret Police just issued the following statement: "The Greater Rowan, Oak, and Arbutus Lanes Area has been contained in amber indefinitely, while we investigate the issue. It is against the law to approach the area, refer to it, touch the amber, or remember any people who used to live in the area." Well, dear listeners, perhaps we should agree that today's radio show never happened, and as always, destroy any digital copies. Intern Heather? Oh you forgot to record it at all? Whew. Heather, you may just be our most talented intern yet.

Tune in next for inhuman shrieks recorded over Radon Canyon. 

As always, good night Night Vale - good night. 


End file.
